Rust

Hi, i’d appreciate if someone could read it and give me a few targets and stuff? The first bit has already been posted, so i’d appreciate if you read this first…

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuZ6A5LAwzG0TD.XKgRAoRzsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100525071911AAW6zEq

After that its a bit of a blur, I remember clinging onto her arm, nuzzling into her bosom, and inhaling her lovely, musky smell. The next thing I know i’m sat on an uncomfortable bed, in a strange city with my so called dad grinning at me like an idiot.
"My little Violet, all grown up, dealing with all of this so well.." he swoons. I stare back at him. Does he think i’m 5 or something? Then a loud outburst of a laugh, I look up at him, one eye brow slightly raised.
"Geddit’? Violet, flowers, grow, grow up…?" I giggle, its not his fault i’m here, its not his fault mum d…about mum. Its no body’s fault. Its just one of those things that, happen. I hadn’t seen my dad in about 4 years. He moved away to Scarborough quite a while ago, he’d met Sophia, his girlfriend and he had a little boy and a little girl, both 4. Lilly and Jack. Lilly wore cute leggings and animal tops, and Jack wore shorts and designer t-shirts. I wore a black and white checkered hoodie, with some ripped shorts and charity shop converse.Sophia kept sighing at me whenever she saw me, and kept subtly dropping hints that we could go shopping some time, and get a whole new wardrobe…yeah right.

I stay, sat on the stained bed. My dad had left the room and gone downstairs to tidy up after Lilly and Jack had decided to make a surprise ‘meal’ for him. The room was small, a tiny box room, and the paint was scraping off the walls, it was a horrible, sickly green, and the carpet a dull, sludgy grey. I grimaced as I peeked around. There was a little bedside table, opposite my rusty, metal bed frame, and a sticker of jesus pinned to the door. I smiled, mum was a keen believer in Jesus, but she never went to Church, or got baptised or anything,she said the Church was hipocrytes, and judged people, Jesus never judged people, and he loved the bad ones as much as the good ones.

My mum, was a bit of a hippy, but not a totally freaky, green vegetable type, she wore baggy three-quarter jeans, with red and white stripy leg warmers, i knitted her when I was about 8, and some strange tie-dye type tops. She’d take me on Anti-War campaigns holding up big Peace signs, and banners, but she was no angel, i remember once, when I was about 4 or 5 we’d been kicked out of our house and we’re homeless, she stole a car drove off to a sea side town and then stole a tent from an OutDoors4You store, she told me we we’re camping, and it would be really fun,at the time it probably was, and even now looking back at it I cant help but smile. She seemed so magical, yet not un-predictable and crazy, just right.

"Is she upstairs?" I heard Sophia whispered, I hadn’t seen her in about a year, not much had changed, I certanily hadn’t, and from what I could hear; she hadn’t either.
"Is she still wearing that awful hoodie? Oh dear, you’d of think her mum could of maybe spent a little more time with her, you know, pampering her couldn’t you, i mean the poor girl, she isn’t exactly Americas Next Top Model as it is…"
I closed my ears, I didn’t want to hear any more. She really thought she was Gods gift, Sophia had long black, glossy hair, right down to her bum, a thick, blunt fringe and was almost as skinny as a stick insect. I sighed, I didn’t know if she meant to be so offensive, or she genuinley just didn’t think before she spoke. I rolled over, pretending to be asleep as a loud banging came at the door. Too late, she swung open the door and caught my glance.
"Hello! Oh my, you’ve grown! And your hair, looks…lovley…did your mum cut it for…i mean. Oh well, nevermind, i mean, Hey! Its such a bright sunny day, why dont you go outside, meet some kids from the neighbour hood?" she suggested. Thats another thing, the ‘neighbour hood’ was a bright, cheery, posh, snobby, secret seven kind of area, were everyone knew what you was up too, and it was normal for your nextdoor neighbours uncles cat to have a key to your house. I smiled, relentlessly. Hm, fat chance of me making friends with any one round here, I thought. I sighed, put on my Converse and slipped on my skull shoulder bag, and with that I was off. Out through the front door, and trying to find somewhere, less…cheery.

The privet hedges and pastel coloured houses stood, row by row forming a confusing maze for someone new to the area. I looked around, there was a corner shop, a post office and that was pretty much it, 2 little old ladies sat on a bench reading the paper and a teenage boy behind me on his skate board, the boy caught my glance. I turned away, he was quite cute, and had
Im 13 by the way.

I went through your story and corrected stuff I would fix. Some stuff is just what I think would sound better. You don’t have to change it since you are the writer.

After that its{it’s} a bit of a blur, I remember clinging onto her arm, nuzzling into her bosom, and inhaling her lovely, musky smell.{Too many commas find a way to write that without so many commas. You could split it into two sentences.} The next thing I know I’m sat{sitting} on an uncomfortable bed, in a strange city with my so called dad grinning at me like an idiot.
"My little Violet, all grown up, dealing with all of this so well..{,}" he swoons. I stare back at him. Does he think I’m 5 or something? Then a loud outburst of a laugh, I look up at him, one eye brow slightly raised.
"Geddit’? Violet, flowers, grow, grow up…?" I giggle, its{it’s} not his fault I’m here, its{it’s} not his fault mum d…about mum. Its{it’s} no body’s fault. Its{It’s There are a lot of it’s, try starting the sentences differently so it does not get repetitive} just one of those things that, happen. I hadn’t seen my dad in about 4 years. He moved away to Scarborough quite a while ago, he’d met Sophia, his girlfriend and he had a little boy and a little girl, both 4.{Too many commas could be split into two sentences} Lilly and Jack. Lilly wore cute leggings and animal tops, and Jack wore shorts and designer t-shirts. I wore a black and white checkered hoodie, with some ripped shorts and charity shop converse.Sophia kept sighing at me whenever she saw me, and kept subtly dropping hints that we could go shopping some time, and get a whole new wardrobe…yeah right.{Too many commas could be split into two sentences}

I stay, sat{sitting} on the stained bed.{Sounds awkward and does not need to be there} My dad had left the room and gone downstairs to tidy up after Lilly and Jack had decided to make a surprise ‘meal’ for him. The room was small, a tiny box room, and the paint was scraping off the walls, it was a horrible, sickly green, and the carpet a dull, sludgy grey.{Is she describing her room or the kitchen? If she is describing her room it should be done when she was on the bed with her dad.} I grimaced as I peeked around. There was a little bedside table, opposite my rusty, metal bed frame, and a sticker of jesus pinned to the door. I smiled, mum was a keen believer in Jesus, but she never went to Church, or got baptised or anything,she said the Church was hipocrytes, and judged people, Jesus never judged people, and he loved the bad ones as much as the good ones.{Too mant commas can be split into more sentences}

My mum, was a bit of a hippy, but not a totally freaky, green vegetable type, she wore baggy three-quarter jeans, with red and white stripy leg warmers, i knitted her when I was about 8, and some strange tie-dye type tops.{Too many commas can split into more sentences} She’d take me on Anti-War campaigns holding up big Peace signs, and banners, but she was no angel, i remember once, when I was about 4 or 5 we’d been kicked out of our house and we’re homeless, she stole a car drove off to a sea side town and then stole a tent from an OutDoors4You store, she told me we we’re camping, and it would be really fun,at the time it probably was, and even now looking back at it I cant help but smile.{Too many commas could be split into more sentences} She seemed so magical, yet not un-predictable and crazy, just right.

"Is she upstairs?" I heard Sophia whispered{how did she hear Sophie if she is upstairs and Sophie whispered? Change to call to my dad}, I hadn’t seen her in about a year, not much had changed, I certanily hadn’t, and from what I could hear; she hadn’t either.{Too many commas split into more senetences}
"Is she still wearing that awful hoodie? Oh dear, you’d of think her mum could of maybe spent a little more time with her, you know, pampering her couldn’t you, i mean the poor girl, she isn’t exactly Americas Next Top Model as it is…"{Too many commas could make more senetences.}
I closed my ears, I didn’t want to hear any more. She really thought she was God{‘}s gift, Sophia had long black, glossy hair, right down to her bum, a thick, blunt fringe and was almost as skinny as a stick insect.{Too many commas could be split onto more sentences} I sighed, I didn’t know if she meant to be so offensive, or she genuinley just didn’t think before she spoke. I rolled over, pretending to be asleep as a loud banging came at the door. Too late, she swung open the door and caught my glance.
"Hello! Oh my, you’ve grown! And your hair, looks…lovley…did your mum cut it for…i mean. Oh well, nevermind, i mean, Hey! Its such a bright sunny day, why dont you go outside, meet some kids from the neighbour hood?" she suggested. Thats another thing, the ‘neighbour hood’ was a bright, cheery, posh, snobby, secret seven kind of area, were everyone knew what you was up too, and it was normal for your nextdoor neighbours uncles cat to have a key to your house.{lol but too many commas} I smiled, relentlessly. {"}Hm, fat chance of me making friends with any one round here{"}, I thought. I sighed, put on my Converse and slipped on my skull shoulder bag, and with that I was off. Out through the front door, and trying to find somewhere, less…cheery.

The privet hedges and pastel coloured houses stood, row by row forming a confusing maze for someone new to the area. I looked around, there was a corner shop, a post office and that was pretty much it, 2 little old ladies sat on a bench reading the paper and a teenage boy behind me on his skate board, the boy caught my glance. I turned away, he was quite cute, and had{Too many commas slpit}

Overall it was good and i hop you continue writing. I would give it a 6 out of 10. I hoped I helped and good luck!